Has there ever been a moment in your life where you felt like everything around you is just falling apart? Like no matter what you do, you can’t stop as the world around you just comes crashing and tumbling down at your feet? That was my 2016. But would you ever for a moment believe that this was meant to be – that this is small piece in the very large picture of your life? I sure didn’t. I thought I had done something terrible in order to deserve this.
What do you feel when this occurs? What goes through your mind? For me, I blamed myself. For the first half of the year, when things seemed to be fine, I was ok. We had gone through so much prior to getting married that I thought for sure we had made it through the worst. If that hadn’t torn us apart, nothing would, right?
But then, as problems began to arise and I couldn’t seem to solve them, I began to settle into a negative and self-loathing cycle. I blamed myself for everything that was happening, even though clearly it wasn’t my fault. But when you’re in those sorts of situations, it’s very difficult to get out of your own head and be objective. No – you get sucked into the cycle that is happening to you and you become apart of it. You grasp onto whatever small shred of hope (for me it was our wedding vows) and tell yourself you will survive.
Then comes a moment of realization – a break through. If you’re anything like I was, it will require something major in order to jolt you out of the cycle and back to reality… something to snap you out of the negativity that you’ve begun to drown yourself in. That moment will make you question everything you know about yourself and your current situation in life. And for all the times that you’ve not paid attention to reason and logic – now is the time that you’ll really ask – should I be reasonable? Or should I fall back into the make-believe world?
At some point after this life-altering event occurred to me, I stumbled across something on Pinterest (of all places). The bright image and title that read Signs You Are Going Through Spiritual Transformation compelled me to click on it and explore further. As I began to scroll down the page on my iPhone, I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped as I found myself nodding “yes” to every single step.
According to this article, everyone goes through a transformation approximately every 7 years. Our bodies themselves transform every 7 years, so it only makes sense that our spirit would begin to transform as well. “Before you transform your life has to crumble in some way,” the article detailed. “Some part of you needs to be buried or broken off in order to be transformed.” And so the magic begins.
Or rather, the pain. For me, the pain began months before the final eclipsing event. The first warning signs of danger began at least 4 months prior, but I brushed them aside. I was that confident in my relationship and our path, nothing could sway me. These were just pebbles and small rocks – easily ignored. Then the larger rocks began to come crashing down. Big red flags that something wasn’t right. I began to doubt our relationship and began to hesitantly second-guess if all was as it seemed. Instead of blindly listening and believing (as I was known for doing), I began to question and probe. I began to explore more outside of my normal routine and broaden my horizons. This was the first key turning point in my transformation. Ultimately, the avalanche ensued and brought the entire mountain down to block my path.
And that is when the true transformation began because I was given a choice as to which path I was going choose.
Some will argue that I chose this path – that I’m only on this journey because of my actions. And that is in some part true – I chose my reaction to what I was put through. But I didn’t choose to have those things happen to me – I didn’t choose the avalanche. The things that happened to me are the actions of a very hurt individual who was acting out and completely lost control. My only part in the transactions were how I chose to react and to move forward from that pivotal moment. When the avalanche occurred, I was faced with a choice: live with it, accept it, and deal with it OR live with it, accept it, and move past it. Though two of the steps are the same with both choices, that third step makes all the difference.
- Live with it, accept it, and deal with it says that I have to continue on the path. That I have to deal with the avalanche and muddle through somehow, until I find the path through the rubble and get back on with live.
- Live with it, accept it, and move past it says that I have the choice to take an alternate route. That although, yes, I did choose this original path, I am not confined to this path.
Before I go any further, I want to make a very clear statement. I am not a advocate of divorce. I am not a supporter of leaving a committed relationship – marriage or not – just because things get rough. Life is full of rough patches and your love will be tested. That is the very nature of life and the basis of all marriage vows states that you’ll stand by each other’s sides throughout these trials. But when the lives of those involved are literally at stack and in danger, then yes. I will be an advocate of doing what is needed for safety and sanity.
Once the transformation begins and you choose your path, there’s no stopping the process… Oh yes, there are more steps in the aftermath of the avalanche that just crashed down onto your life. One of the most obvious outcomes is that your eyes will be more open to everything going on around you. The new world will be blindly bright and different than the one you’ve been living in. Like a caterpillar that’s suddenly beginning its metamorphosis, you’re likely to be very confused and scared. And if you’re like me, you’ll want to hide away and be alone. And so, you’ll begin to build your cocoon. The only thing that’s in this new world that you can trust is YOU, so you’ll just want to be alone.
No, it’s not depression. It’s just the realization that everything else you knew and trusted is no longer there. And because everything is so different, you’ll begin to question everything. Is anything from your former world actually real or is it all fake? Your whole world just flipped upside down and inside out. How could we not be confused?? I’ve been out of the false world I built for 3 months and I’m still determining what’s real and what’s fallacy. Trust me – it takes time. But know this – although it looks dark and bleak, without any hope for light, it will end. This is just a part of your transformation – your metamorphosis.
The final part of our spiritual transformation lies within the lessons that we are confronted with. There is always a particular life lesson that we are faced with and most resolve in order to complete the transformation. According to this article, this lesson (or lessons) will force us to take on each of our inner demons, one by one. For me, it has been dealing with suppressed memories, scars, fears, and emotions from past relationships that I’ve carried around with me for close to a decade. Things that I had pushed so far in the dark corners and recesses of my mind in order to be happy. But these things were never properly dealt with, and so they will continue to push to the surface until we can’t hide from them anymore. As the article states, “This final confrontation is usually what leads to the crumbling or collapsing of your life and helps to facilitate the rebirth process.”
And that life lesson that I have been faced with over and over again these past two weeks is very simply: do I stay or do I go?
Do I live with it, accept it, and deal with it OR live with it, accept it, and move past it?
I thought I was going to be granted more time to make this decision. I was open and willing to give us more time. I have stood here for 3 months and waited, pleaded, and tried to explain what is happening. But no one wants to hear that it’s their fault – to hear that they too must change in order to fit into the new world you’ve begun to create for yourself. It’s not a terrible world to live in either – it’s just different than the one they’ve been living in. And different is scary; change is scary. I’m still scared and it’s my world that I’ve been living in. Not a day goes by that I don’t have a sinking feeling that nothing can ever be as it was before – in that make-believe land that I once lived in.
No matter the outcome – whether it’s today, tomorrow, or three months from now, all I know is this: I may not know fully who I am or who I’m going to be, but I know what I deserve. I believe that is the biggest lesson that I was taught in this transformation thus far (because I know it’s far from over) – that I deserve much more than I’ve ever allowed myself to accept. More than I’ve ever asked for, let alone demanded. I’ll never make the mistake of accepting less than that again.