My Wish List

I’m only a week into my year of nutrition school and I’m loving it! I was tremendously frightened to start the new journey, for multiple reasons:

  • It was so much money
  • I have no background in nutrition or medicine
  • I don’t know if I can start a business
  • There’s no degree that comes from this program – just a certification
  • What if I fail?
  • What if I’m not a good coach?
  • What if I can’t relay the material to others?

But, I prayed about it. I know, to some that might sound lame, and I used to agree with them. I thought that I was in charge of my fate and that praying was a sign of weakness; of not being in control of one’s life. But, I’ve come a long way since those days in the “dark” and this was one of the first decisions that I really left up to God.

And now, here I am! Seven days down and…. 358 to go?! {Hope I did the math right there}

This week, we had 3 assignments we had to complete. I honestly spent over an hour working on the assignment and I got super worried that I was spending too much time on the assignment. A good friend of mine is 6 months ahead of me and said, well if it speaks to you, you should definitely spend the time on it. {I wound up flying through the other two assignments, so it all worked out in the end}.

Anyways, the first assignment was called “The Wish List”, where we had to write about what our wishes are for the key elements that are meaningful in our lives. For me, that would be health, spirituality, relationships, and career. The first two are of more importance to me right now because that’s where I see my life going. So relationships and career kind of fell to the short list without as many details. Honestly, this is because I don’t believe that I have a lot of control over that (well none of it is in my control, but I can’t just will myself to be pregnant here), so I don’t want to expend energy in those areas. I’ve spent energy there – countless days, hours, months, and years – without much positivity. Why continue to beat a dead horse, so to speak?

Now, we didn’t have to formally submit this assignment, but I’m finding that I really do love the prompts that they give us. And after reading all of my response, I felt compelled to share the ideas here for others to try ❤️


My Wish List

I want a marriage full of trust and happiness. I know that things won’t always be carefree, Snip20170326_5but I don’t want things to be awkward or a constant battle of wills. I also want to start a family and raise my children in a home of love, fun, and knowledge. My mother was blessed enough to stay home with us and homeschool us for several years (my brother only went to kindergarten). She never had to choose between watching us grow or work – she was there every step of the way. I don’t want to ever have to choose between putting food on the table/roof over our heads and whether or not to help my child succeed/watch my child grow. I don’t want to have my child forego activities because a) I can’t take them or b) I am never there to see them. In saying this, it leads me to my decision that I want a career that supports my choice to put my family first. I want to watch my children grow and have them partake in activities, knowing that I will go to their games/shows.

Snip20170326_4I want to feel alive and healthy. I was never super active as a child – I preferred to read inside. And while I never experienced obesity as a child, I was always a bit heavier (my mom called it big-boned). I chose studies over sports in high school and then partied too much in college. College is where it all went downhill with the late nights serving at restaurants or partying with friends. I drank and really ate very unhealthy, causing me to gain weight. I would do Weight Watchers and lose it, but I yo-yo’ed for several years. The heaviest I think I was close to 200 lbs, which was winter of 2011-2012. I dislocated my knee the 2nd week of January and I have to admit that was a HUGE eye-opener for me. I hated no being able to move, and when I finally got cleared for the gym, I made myself go every day for the bike and the elliptical. I lost nearly 50 lbs and when I met my husband, I was about 30 lbs down. He asked what I hated most about my body and I said “my legs”, so he worked on me running.

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I began to enjoy it and got a kick out of eventually beating him on our nightly jogs! However, I used running as a means to stay skinny and to feel good about how I looked. Not necessarily a terrible thing, but not the healthiest reason to be doing something. I was desperate for approval on my looks and being skinny was the only time I ever got it. I dropped down to under 140 lbs right before our wedding and that was 2 years ago. I think with all of the stress and wanting to look “sexy” took over me and I began to develop some unhealthy habits. Prior to the wedding, I was taking Hydroxycuts daily to help with my energy and my appetite. I continued to take them up until Halloween 2015, when I also chose to get off birth control. Those two combined (paired with the holiday sweets) really set me up for a weight battle.

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I remember going home for Christmas and hating how bloated and yucky I felt. I know I was eating more and drinking due to stress (we were just starting to try to get pregnant). Four months and many fights later, we weren’t getting anywhere. I was driving myself crazy with tracking and testing. I found a clean eating group and decided it was time to shift my focus. Instead of obsessing over what days I might be ovulating (or the fact that I wasn’t actually ovulating according to ALL tests), I started working out and running 5 days a week. I set mini goals for myself and started to do things for my health and body – for ME. It was an enlightening change of mindset and one that I frankly fell quite in love with. What I didn’t realize was how these little things would so drastically change my life.

Here I am, a year later, starting nutrition school. Has you told me last year this is where I would be, I would’ve laughed at you. I never in a million years would have dreamt of signing up for nutrition school I never would have dreamt of runninwhatsapp-image-2017-02-24-at-8-12-52-pmg a half marathon (which I’ve done once and will do twice more within the next 30 days), let alone running a FULL marathon. I never would have dreamt that I would have left my husband and my best friend to move home; to restart my life. Although I am not at my skinniest (and probably not my healthiest), I am working on the lesson of learning to love myself. I am learning to judge myself based on improving how I feel, not on what others think. I’m still struggling with self-image, but it’s really tied more to how I feel. When I feel bloated and constipated, I feel gross and ugly. BUT, the
se are true feelings and while yes, I do feel ugly due to them, they’re also not healthy feelings! So by diminishing these feelings, I will in turn elevate my self-love and self-care.

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Finally, I want to feel connected. I am so tired of drama and ego-driven chaos that has ruled my world for, oh, the last 12+ years. I am tired of relationships (acquaintances, friendships, family connections, and even intimate relationships) that no longer serve me. I am tired of holding grudges and not forgiving. I’m tired of the evil and toxicity that I’ve allowed to lurk in the shadows of my life. I’m tired of not healing from the past and dragging it around from relationship to relationship, only to add more to the luggage as each year passes.

Last year, right before the new year began I made a promise to myself to not bring in the chaos and toxicity into 2017. I have been struggling – dealing with the lurking ex-best friend attacks and then the ego-driven email she sent in response to my wishing-you-well email. Dealing with the husband and all of the drama of that relationship – up and down/depression. But overall, I have felt more connected and on a calmer level. More strength and a willingness to give it to God. I owe this to my study of The Course of Miracles and my openness to new experiences.

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